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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by admitting perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This journey will take time, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.